Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The easiest person I shop for...


Have you ever tried to buy presents for Sylvia? Though I ask that rhetorically, I want to reiterate that I am not complaining at all. My wife is probably the most laid back person when it comes to buying things for her. She literally is the woman all men dream about. She walks into a store, locates a shirt or pants (preferably in black or gray) and then proceeds to buy 13 of them.


Because we were in Turkey this year for the first two weeks of December, Christmas shopping was nonexistent. I didn't even attempt to find out what she wanted...until Monday.


Here is the list my wife provided me. (This is not made up)

Dark Jeans

Tan Corduroy Pants

Gray Corduroy Pants

Pillow Stuffing

Martini Glasses

Reversible Belt


Yeah- high maintenance I know.


To follow it up, I received an email from my wife with some additions. AI thought to myself "ahh...the initial list must of have been bogus" She didn't want PILLOW STUFFING after all, probably diamonds and rubies like most other women would like to have...


From: Mathew, Sylvia
Sent: Monday, December 18, 2006 11:50 AM
To: Mathew, Shane
Subject: RE: Lunch

Hey! I would also like cooling racks for Christmas



This email was followed by this one:


From: Mathew, Sylvia
Sent: Monday, December 18, 2006 2:43 PM
To: Mathew, Shane
Subject: RE: Lunch

Here it is:
http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=103303&RN=111

I also want metal spatulas (medium and thin)

Actually, don’t buy any pants for me, I’ll just have to try it on….thanks!







Thank you Jesus for the beautiful creature you provided for me as my wife.

Did the Wise Men Wrap their Gifts???


Well, Christmas is a few days away. I hope you all are either ready, or almost ready for the ceremonial "opening of presents" followed by the equally important "returning of presents". As I buy and wrap things, I can't help byt think when the "suprise" part of Christmas presents started...


Enjoy this journey into the origins of wrapping paper and its impact on men everywhere!


This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:


YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?


YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!


YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.


YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!


YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.


YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

---Author Unknown (but definitely male)

Spongeback Mountain

Ok, ok, I know there are two videos in a row, but I love this old clip. Hope you enjoy one of the big phenomenoms of the year- merging clips of TV shows with the theme of Brokeback Mountain. (The original Trailer is here)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My Family's Monkey

So you may ask if its just Shane who has major genetic mutations present in his DNA. No my friends, its a family thing. Here is my brother Jeff...dancing/having an epilecptic seizure at a recent group activity...

By the way, as my other brother Chris and I can attest, this is the most we've seen Jeff move in a while.

This is pretty self explanatory...

Runner fails gender test, loses medal


NEW DELHI, India (AP) — An Indian runner who won a silver medal in the women's 800 meters at the Asian Games failed a gender test and was stripped of the medal.


Shanti Sounderajan, 25, took the gender test in Doha, Qatar, after placing second.
The Indian Olympic Association said Monday it has been told by the Olympic Council of Asia that the 25-year-old runner was disqualified.


"IOA has asked the Athletic Federation of India to return the medal as desired by the Olympic Council of Asia," the Indian Olympic group said.


The IOA also asked its medical commission to inquire into Sounderajan's case and report within 10 days. There are no compulsory gender tests during events sanctioned by track and field's international ruling body, but athletes may be asked to take a gender test. The medical evaluation panel usually includes a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist and internal medicine specialist.


An Indian athletics official who spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media said Sounderajan almost certainly never had sex-change surgery.


Instead, the official said Sounderajan appeared to have "abnormal chromosomes." The official also said the test revealed more Y chromosomes than allowed.


Sounderajan was not immediately available for comment.


How is it that out of the 2 stories A YEAR that focus on Indian sports, this is one of them? Sometimes it pains me to read the news of the world. But one thing I am confused on- if this "thing" is a dude, did he/she want to compete with women because he felt he was a woman? Or did he want to compete with women because he wasn't good enough to compete with men?


Oh and by the way, he/she only placed 2nd in the race...so it was a silver medal that was stripped. Not even first place!


Credible Non Travestite Athletes- 1


Brown Hemaphrodites- 0


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Turkey for me...Turkey for you..







So from December 1 thru December 12, my wife Sylvia and I, were in Turkey. "Wow", "Amazing", or "Super-duper" you may say...yes Turkey was all that. We went with some friends from Deercreek, our fellowship, and spent time in Istanbul, Izmir (Ephesus), and Van.

Let me just start off with my description of Turkey as being a strange and unique land filled with people that are obsessed with one thing and one thing only. Smoking their tender sweet cigarettes. I ceased to feel the slight bit sorry for the tarnished image tobacco gets in this country. The poor tobacco farmer of Virginia will always have a job as long as there is even one Turk alive! Jeez...my body shut down on day 4 of the trip because I was in a hotel that was so inviting to smokers, they allowed it in the elevators.

So one big part of the trip was that Sylvia and I got to spend some time in Ephesus, home of Big Paul of biblical fame. Fortunately for me and my strong feelings against taking digital pictures of once-in-a-lifetime visits to significant religious archielogic sites, I left my camera at the hotel. (Well atleast thats what I thought all day long...untill on the way back to the airport I discoved the camera in my camera bag.) But we did get plenty of video, which I hope to edit for my friends and families viewing someday soon.

After spending time in Istanbul, we felt it necessary to spend time in the eastern part of the country. Our friends from Deercreek, Stephen and Sarah, now live and work there. They were the most gracious of hosts, and showed us the beautiful city they live in. They even escorted us to Mt. Ararat of Noah's Ark fame, were we got plenty of pictures. Though I was man handled by some random police at the various checkpoints on the road, it was a beautiful run through the countryside. The numerous mountains and beautiful lake surrounding the city almost made me envious. Almost.

Here are some more significant pics from this trip...






































Ahh you've probably noticed the various pictures of the Turkish treat- Browni Gold. This tasty confection, made by super popular ETi Baked Goods Company of Turkey, was discovered by Sylvia and I on our travel to Ephesus. We were enjoying the snack/lunch provided on Turkish Airlines, and found this dessert that was sooo chocolatey and delicious. We converted our friends Carol, and friends Sarah/Stephen who live in country and who had never tasted it before our visit! (I think it has something to do with their vile decision to eat only healthy foods...)


Needless to say, my quest/obsession for this dessert was evident as everything was put on hold untill we stopped to find these single-service delights at the various small shops and stores we stopped at.


Try it out next time you're in Turkey, I know you will be as hooked as me!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The begining of a web phenomenom...

Ok, so I will probably regret the hubris filled subject line of my very first post in a few months. Most probably due to the lack of activity on this blog. But perhasps I will even surprise myself by posting interesting things from time to time on here.

A little about myself...

I am Shane. I am brown. I am not ashamed.

I named this blog based on my skin color because I think every event in my life, up to this point, has been based upon this unplanned event. My melatonin have shaped me into the person I am, and the way I see the world. Hopefully, from this point forward, you will get an idea of why I think that way. Hopefully, it will all make sense.